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Non-Spoiler Movie Review: Transformers The Last Knight (2017)


Oh boy, here we go, another Transformers movie. The fifth in the series.

Ever since the second one things have taken a downward spiral into obscurity. Age of Extinction was such a terrible movie. There’s no coming back from it after that turd sandwich.


The sole reason why I even went to see this is because there are scenes that were filmed in Newcastle. That’s it!


Normally I would give a brief outline of the plot before I jump into the final analyse. I can’t do that here, though. Why? Because this is the first time I’ve ever walked out of a movie……and I’ve seen both Fifty Shades movies.


I truly believed that nothing in the Transformers universe could be as worse as Age of Extinction, then again, I thought that there wouldn’t be a movie as worse as Fifty Shades Darker. I am proven wrong on both fronts.


This is one of the worst films I have ever seen. This film is shit. Seriously, it is that bad.


It was like watching a Vince Russo edition of Monday Nitro from 2000 but with even worse scripted shoot promos. I would rather watch that than to watch this bucket load of fuck again.

I would rather watch 10 hours’ worth of Great Khali matches or watch paint dry. I’d rather go to work on my day off and do a full shift without pay if it means not having to re-watch this crap again.

My unwritten rule is that I always stay until the end of the movie. I survived two Fifty Shades movies and fell asleep during Total Recall, but this? This is horrible. Imagine if a rhino took a diarrhoea dump in your eyes. Right in the dead centre of your pupils. Whiles that is happening, you’ve got one person going “Eh! Eh! Eh!” in one ear and someone talking useless random shite in the other. That’s basically what this movie is.

Clearly no one learnt their lessons from any previous movies. Mindless much, campy one-liners, CGI battles that tend to be rehashed from the previous instalments. Okay, the fight scenes were good. Michael Bay is actually pretty good when it comes to fight scenes, but the rest was abysmal.

The acting was hit and miss. Mark Wahlberg is someone that I can give or take. He just seemed out of place here. He looked confused, like he forgot the words to “Right on Time” or he couldn’t find the rest of the Funky Bunch (a joke for the young ‘uns). What the fuck was Anthony Hopkins doing in this movie? I mean, it’s not as if he’s desperate for the money or anything. It’s like the last one with Kelsey Grammer and Stanley Tucci. I suppose we all have to take the rough the smooth once in our lives, I guess.


Michael Fuckin Bay. King of Campy Crap. Now I have to talk about this bag of snake shit, this trail of snail piss. This fucking dick licker who has pulled his pants down, squatted over our childhoods, and took an almighty dump all over it. You know the type of turd that’s full of corn and nuts, and brings all the flies to the yard? That’s the type of crap I’m talking about.

Listen, Michael, the first two Transformers movies were good. First one was great. Hell, I even liked Pain & Gain. Bad Boys was class, when’s the third one coming out? But for every Armageddon, there’s a Project Almanac. But this takes the piss. The attempts at humour were shockingly bad. I bet the only person who found it funny was Mr. Bay himself. I can imagine him rolling around on the floor in hysterics, pissing his pants, and screaming, “Bumblebee talks like a girl”.

Did you do this movie for a laugh? Did one of your little mates dare you to do this in exchange for giving some pictures of a naked lady that he found on Google images? Does the idea of seeing Optimus Prime and Bumblebee make you get hard?

Actually, stop directing Transformers. You’ve had your run, now it’s time to ride off into the sunset with your Optimus Prime blow-up doll and your perverted obsession with getting close-ups of girls’ boobies.  Get a job at Tesco (Saying that, I can imagine you in the fruit and veg department, making explosion noises with the carrots and the ‘transform’ sound effect with the potatoes).


Oh yeah, there was a scene filmed near the monument in Newcastle that didn’t appear in this movie (I walked out when they stole the Submarine, it may have happened later but I doubt it). I was actually looking forward to that. It was like having a tommy tank but stopping just right before you’re about to blow your load. Thanks, you bunch of cock-wimbles.


Remember when I gave Fifty Shades Darker a Zero rating? That was a masterpiece compared to this shower of shit, this disaster piece.

Not only am I giving this a zero rating, but I’m also announcing that I’m through with Transformers. I don’t care if the next one is just three hours of Kelly Brook’s breasts in 3D 4K HD or whatever the fuck the new innovation is. You won’t catch me watching another Transformers movie again. The only way I’ll see another one is if they completely reboot the entire franchise. It’s got to happen. You can’t make glitter buns from horse shit. It’s impossible. It’s dying a death.


Please, for all that is holy, avoid this movie like the fucking plague. Go and see something worth seeing. Wait until War of the Planet of the Apes is out. Heck, Captain Underpants looks better than this, and I haven’t even seen a trailer for it.


Terrible movie. The worst of 2017.


Rating: 0


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