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Non-Spoiler Movie Review: Fifty Shades Darker (2017)

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You know it was going to happen!

 

You just knew that I was going to review this, despite how much I hated Fifty Shades of Grey.

I wish I could say that I did this on my own accord, well, I could, but that would be a lie. My friends egged me on (again) to review this. I’m the type of person who listens to his audience (Hey, Vince McMahon, how are ya?), so here you go.

I’ve never read any of the Fifty Shades books. Haven’t got a Scooby what they’re about. I doubt I’ll ever read them. I’m just not interested in them.

I recall my experiences from watching Fifty Shades of Grey back in 2015. It was the most awkward and uncomfortable experiences in my life. It was like the big budget version of Katie Vick – but worse. And I never would I thought anything could be worst than Katie Vick!

It was also during that viewing where my friend invited himself along, believing that he was going to see a Hollywood mash-up of Chitty Chitty Gang Bang, Willy Wanker and the Chocolate Factory, and One Night in Chyna. He was disappointed. I did try to warm him.

This is where I want to address certain people who say that I didn’t like Fifty Shades just because it was a love film. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I just thought it was a crap movie that’s all. Hell, I remember taking an ex-girlfriend of mine to see The Notebook and I enjoyed it more than her. So for you people saying that I don’t like romantic films is just wrong.

This time I was on my Todd. I could feel my cheeks burning with embarrassment as I asked the cashier at my local Empire Cinema for one ticket for FSD.

That look she gave me!

That fucking look.

Remember when I posted a blog a few weeks ago about being profiled as a criminal in Toys R Us? This time I was being labeled as a pervert. A peeping tom. She didn’t flat out say this or anything. Her face told the whole story. She might as well said it straight and asked if I wanted a private room with complimentary wet wipes. Remember when Pee Wee Herman got caught wanking in the cinema?

This happened way before I even set foot in the auditorium. That’s a whole different story altogether. I was the only guy there – literally! It was like walking into the middle of a hen party. You could tell that they didn’t want me there. Not at all! I wish I just said “no thanks”, turn and walked out. But I’m not one of those guys. I’ve got a movie to review, dammit. That and the fact that I paid £7 for my ticket……. plus a large popcorn and diet Pepsi (it’s been a time-honored tradition since childhood and one that will see it through my 30’s). It’s not cheap going to the cinema, you know.

Anyway, I shuffled to my seat. Never mind fifty shades of grey. My face was turning fifty shades of blushing pink whiles my underpants are starting to fill up with fifty shades of shit.

 

And all this happened way before the movie even began!!!

What’s this all about?

 

Picking up from where the first film left off, Christian Grey is obsessed with winning back the heart of Anastasia Steele. Christian wants her back, but Ana is reluctant as he enjoys inflicting pain. He insists that he has changed and would agree to Ana’s terms of no rules and no punishments if they would resume their relationship. She agrees. I don’t blame her. He gave her a bloody good hiding the first-time round.

It’s not long before they resume the kinky shit they were doing before. Addiction is a pain, I tell ya! Anyway, As the two begin to build trust and find stability, shadowy figures from Christian’s past start to circle them, determined to destroy their hopes for a future together.

 

Fifty Shades of Grey was a terrible movie. The bar has been set so, so low that this can’t possibly be any worse……right?

 

Wrong!

 

Seriously, what the fuck did I just watch?

 

This is the worst fucking thing I have ever seen. It’s even worse than the first one, it worse than Spiceworld the movie, and I NEVER imagined that would ever be possible!

Why did I have to waste my time watching this when I could have been doing something more productive like binge watching Total Bellas, or writing a 325462378989678965457689 essay about why Eva Marie is the voice of the voiceless and the best in the world.

The Good bits? The credits. There! Done! Sorted!

 

Okay, the acting was fine in places.

 

Everything else? Ughhh….do I have to?

 

Lads, if you go in thinking that you’re going to see a big budget version of Deep-Throat or Shaving Ryan’s Privates then I’m afraid to be the one that disappoints you. You’re not going to find any of that stuff here!

Jamie Dornan is an exceptional actor. Dakota Johnson, a perfectly fine actress in her own right. The director is also extremely talented. James Foley is the guy that directed the excellent Glengarry Glen Ross, so you can imagine that I had some hope going into this but I left disappointed because it’s the exact same film as the first. BUT WORSE. I didn’t think that was even possible to accomplish!

Directed by James Foley? More like Mick Foley. I’ve got visions of Christian Grey, wearing a tattered red checked shirt and sweat pants saying, “tonight, we’ll be having ourselves a little extreme rules sex, right here, in bed”, followed up with a toothless smile, a thumb up, and a cheap pop from the crowd. He pulls a sock out of his pants and everybody goes mental. Throw in an unnecessary Vince Russo swerve and it’s the attitude era all over again. That would have been more entertaining than this monkey crap!

Oh aye, Grey doesn’t like being touched on the nipples. He actually takes lipstick out and marks out his boundaries. That’s a waste of lipstick, you dick! Fuck me, just tell her that you hate getting your nips touched. Don’t be a plank and rub lipstick all over yourself. That shit takes an absolute age to wipe off (or so I’ve been told). Unless you’re into that sort of thing, good luck.

The big storyline in this film is Anastasia wanting to be ordered around by Christian. She just lets him push her around. She’s like, “I’m going to New York, it’s a work thing”, and he just goes, “Nah, no you’re not”. She doesn’t kick up a fuss about it. She just goes along with it.

Seriously, WHAT?

She’s the human doormat!

Is Christian Grey her father? Are they into age-play as well?

Look, I know that’s how he gets his kicks, but it’s annoying. It’s a horrible, terrible, damaging relationship. He comes across like a total diva (see what I did there kids?) He’s the ultimate heel but all the internet smarks love like crazy.

Let’s talk about the sex scenes. I know that 99.9% of the guys are only reading this about the sex. Honestly, it makes no sense.

The film’s attempt to be sexy fails because it doesn’t make sense in regards to the film. There’s this sequence where he takes these two silver balls and puts then inside Anastasia (and I don’t mean the same way Magneto uses the silver balls during his jail escape in X-Men 2). Wonderful. She has to wear them all night at this party. She wants to know what they do, Christian replies “you’ll see”. Honestly, it’s so camp the way he says it and takes away the seriousness of the situation. (“Fifty Shades” and “Seriousness” in the same sentence, what’s the world coming to?). It’s borderline 1960s Adam West Batman in comparison.

 

The movie even has a hilarious excuse for heightening the tension towards the end involving a helicopter. I won’t go into detail other than to say that it came out of nowhere and it was evident that Vince Russo has come involvement in this script, bro! Honestly, it was the funniest shit I have ever seen. I was expecting a lot from this film but that, Nah, no way.

This review is going to make history.

Why?

Because this is going to be the first time ever where I award a film a “0” rating.

Yes, that’s right, Fifty Shades Darker is officially the worst film I have ever seen. It doesn’t even deserve a minus rating. Even that is giving this film some ounce of glorification.

Never would I have imagined that I would find a film that is worst then Spiceworld the movie. Until now.

Please, for the love for all that is holy, please do not waste your time and money on this shit.

 

Worst movie ever.

 

Rating: 0 (Just kill me, please)

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One comment on “Non-Spoiler Movie Review: Fifty Shades Darker (2017)

  1. gemziebeth
    February 15, 2017

    Reblogged this on Always a Blezard and commented:
    Which is why I won’t be paying to see this film. Sounds like it was just like the book.

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This entry was posted on February 14, 2017 by in Movie Reviews, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , .
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