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Has there ever been a time when a friend makes reference to something that happened to you in the past and all the memories come flooding back?
Good or bad I’m sure we’ve all had nostalgic chats about the past.
Just the other day, for instance, a few friends and I met up for coffee and we all began talking about random stories of our past. We covered so much stuff before the topic moved to our school days. From the six of us at the table, only three of us went to the same school (St. Adian’s represent, yo), but we were all flatmates at various stages spanning a seven year period (only two of us are married with children, and it ain’t me), so the following sentence which came out of Dan’s mouth both shocked and surprised many…..
“Hey Rif, didn’t you power-bomb your ex?”
Kev almost spat his coffee out as he looked at me with this crazed wide-eyed expression. Even an elderly couple from another table shot me a funny look. Maybe she overheard the conversation we were having about the time I lost my toga at a toga party (true story).
I mean, how would you react if some said that you committed a professional wrestling move on your ex as an act of revenge for dumping you? You’re sure as hell aren’t going to get a pat on the back for your efforts. Jail time maybe, with the public humiliation of having your mug pasted in every major news outlet.
“You did what?” stammered Michael
“No bloody way!” blurted Richie, during a mid-sip of his coffee. “That’s got to be bollocks that, like!”
I leaned back in my chair, hands covering my face in embarrassment as I recalled those days. The elderly couple looked concerned. I pulled that face as if to say what’s the world coming to which only made them leave, looking back at me as they made their exit with a mix of horror and disgust on their faces.
“Ho’way then,” said Richie.
“’Ho’way then’ what?” I answered
“Did you power-bomb your lass or what?”
“Here’s what happened,” I began as five faces stared back at me like I was Granddad telling them a story about the olden days (which in a way I was). The Starbucks employee, who was clearing a table near us, was taking her sweet time then she’d normally would. I don’t blame her as I would have done the same thing in her position.
I confess, I never power-bombed my ex. I’ve actually never power-bombed anybody! So how did all of this happen? For that, I need to take you back to the past to the year 2000.
Ah, the year 2000. The year in which we all thought that we’d be traveling around in jetpacks like they do the Jetsons. The year which people were fearing the fallout of ‘the millennium bug’. The year where we’ll all have our own personal robot servant and space travel was as common as getting on the bus.
The year 2000, the year where we had to wait and see in 15 years’ time to find out how accurate Back to the Future 2 was.
The year 2000 was nothing like that, unfortunately. It was alright for the most part I guess.
Me, Dan and Evan were dicking about on Tekken when the subject moved on to a mutual friend breaking up with his girlfriend. The whole thing was pretty messy so I’ll spare him of the details out of respect.
Dan and Evan were in deep conversation over it as I tried to beat Yoshimitsu (that’s a character in Tekken by the way. There wasn’t an actual person in the room called Yoshimitsu). Then I said, as a joke, “I power-bombed my ex after she broke up with me”.
Dan and Evan stopped their conversation dead in its tracks.
“Come again,” asked Evan
“I power-bombed my ex,” I reassured my quizzical pal with the coolest of cool demeanour I could muster.
“What? You mean you shagged her?” said Dan.
“No mate. I mean I fuckin’ power-bombed my fuckin’ ex”
“You mean to say,” said Dan, putting all the pieces together like a fine jigsaw, “you picked up your ex, then you slammed her to the ground?”
“Yeah”, I replied with a massive shit-eating grin.
“I fucking knew you were bullshitting us,” snorted Evan
“And you believed it,” I shot back. Sniggering like a school girl as I did. Lighthearted laughter turned into full on kinks between the three of us.
“Yeah, you power-bombed your lass,” Dan smirked in-between laughs.
“Hilarious,” shot back Evan
“You power-bombed her good, like”
This went on for a good ten to fifteen minutes before the subject turned to boys and our feelings (I keed)
That’s how it all started. A stupid joke amongst friends.
You thought it all ended there? Nope.
I always remember the day as if it were yesterday. I met up with a few of the guys in the IT labs where we were trying to complete last night’s homework in time for the first lesson.
“Alright lads?” I said as I entered the room. They returned the greeting.
But something didn’t sit right with me.
I just couldn’t work out what it was. For starters, Adam greeted me with this sympathetic smile on this face before he looked at the floor. That was unlike him. He normally made a wisecrack about my long hair or something.
“Can I borrow someone’s science homework so I can copy it?” I asked.
Adam handed his homework over so I went to work on it in such uncomfortable silence. Something was defiantly up, and I was going to make sure they knew about it!
“Ha’way then, what’s going on?” I demanded as I looked around the table to a bunch of guilty faces.
“Well….you see….,” Darren began, struggling to find the right words. “What it is…is that…err…”
“…Did you give your lass a power-bomb?” butted in Adam, as Darren breathed a sigh of relief of being safe in the knowledge of not being “that guy”.
“Did you leave her lying there looking like a weeping sparrow?” John piped up.
I always laugh whenever I remember that quote simply because of how ridiculous it sounds. Weeping Sparrow? That doesn’t even make any sense.
“What do you guys think?” I asked. You know what? They actually thought it over! The bloody cheek of them set of bastards!
I finished off my homework and left.
You don’t need Scooby Doo to work this mystery out, Dan and Evan were the culprits! Who else would have mentioned it? I had to face them head on! I spend the morning hunting Dan and Evan down as if I were the Frank Castle of Sunderland. A man on a mission, a rebel with a cause. That was me alright!
I finally had Dan and Evan in my sights, standing outside of Mr. Winter’s classroom. I approached them with the same level of determination as the Terminator hunting down Sara Connor. They saw me approaching them and their guilty faces told me everything I already knew.
“What the fuck did you guys say?” I demanded.
“Hey, guy, relax”, smoothed talked Dan
“Yeah,” added Evan “It was only a daft laugh.”
“A daft laugh?” I snapped. “A fucking daft laugh?”
“Chill out,” Dan said, acting like this was nothing.
“Chill out? How about I knock you the fuck out, what about that?” I counted. (On relfection that was actually a pretty good comeback. If I were to write a film set in the 1980’s that quote will be in the script!)
Dan and Evan exchanged worrying looks. “What’s up?” Evan asked, knowing full well ‘what’s up’.
“You know full well ‘what’s up’”, I began, “You know how many people asked me if I power-bombed my ex? Do you?” I often wondered why I was so pissed off about it and I really don’t know why that was. I guess you could say ‘why so serious?’ (Insert video of a tumbleweed drifting by)
“We didn’t know it was going to get out of hand” Dan explained in a cool and calm fashion, “You’ve got to admit that it was funny, though.”
“It was funny amongst us!” I snapped (As I type this I realise that I had some serious anger issues).
“Dude,” interrupted Dan, “People will forget about it and move on. Remember the time we wrote Evan’s name on his rubber, but purposely wrote the ‘E’ back to front and the ‘V’ upside down?”
“And everyone thought I was illiterate,” added Evan.
“Exactly, the point is, who’s going to remember this shit? It’s funny now, but believe me, it will blow over. Take my advice, if someone asks, just agree to it. Shrug it off. People will see that you’re bullshitting and eventually people will forget about it and move on. Do you honestly think people will remember this in 16 years’ time?”
“No one thinks I’m illiterate anymore,” said Evan.
My “friends” made sense. If someone asks if I power-bombed my ex I could just be all like, “sure, you’ve never done it?” It’s like that scene from Billy Maddison where Adam Sandler tells all the kids that you’re not cool unless you’ve peed your pants.
That awkward moment when you actually believed you were going to be a trend setter!
I made my apologies to my friends, and thanked them for showing me the light. Someone walked by and asked if I powered-bombed my ex and I replied in my most sarcastic voice, “Oh hell yeah! I did that shit gooooood!” I turned to my friends and give them a wink, followed with a hearty thumbs up. If this were to be made into a film I would have freeze famed that exact moment and had the end credits roll over the image. “They haven’t a fucking clue,” I said all giddy like (that was the post credit scene btw).
THREE FUCKING YEARS~!
I had to put up with that shit for THREE FUCKING YEARS~!
The rumour spread itself like wildfire. I tried to play it off but to no avail. I might as well change my name to “PowerBomb Man”. I sound like a campy Batman villain. Imagine if Batman were to cross paths with PowerBomb Man, it would go a little something like this:
It’s the dead of night and all is not well in Gotham City. POWERBOMB MAN has struck again, leaving behind a trail of devastation and destruction. The GCPD has arrived on the scene of PowerBomb Man’s latest victim, located in one of Gotham City’s dark and dungy alley ways. Rain is lashing down, the lighting booms in the cold air. COMMISSIONER JAMES GORDON is looking for clues along with CHIEF O’HARA (you know where this is going). They’re trying to connect the dots but are drawing a blank. Suddenly, BATMAN and ROBIN arrive on the scene, much to the relief of Commissioner Gordon and Co.
Jim Gordon: Thank goodness you’re here, Caped Crusaders.
Chief O’Hara: You’ll never guess who’s on the loose. You’re old arch enemy, The PowerBomb Man!
Batman: Good Heavens!
Robin: Him again! That’s the 68th person this month he’s delivered a power-bomb to!
Batman: This has got to be the most diabolical scheme to have hit Gotham since The Joker turned all of Gotham’s water into jelly!
Chief O’Hara: It’s right up there with the time Egg-Head demanded an $0.10 tax on every egg that is eaten in Gotham!
Jim Gordon: Power-Bomb Man must be stopped at once, otherwise he’ll strike again!
Batman: I’m on the case, Commissioner. I can assure you that I’ll put a stop to his wicked ways. And just like with Egg-Head, we’ll remind every criminal in Gotham City that crime is no “yoke”, and you will get “scrambled” in the end! What information have you gathered, Commissioner?
Jim Gordon: The body is just over there if you want to examine it for yourself.
Batman and Robin check the body for clues. Thankfully the MALE VICTIM isn’t dead.
Male Victim: THE HORROR! THE HORROR! OH, THE HORROR!
The Victim is seen to by an ambulance crew as Batman and Robin look on grimed faced.
Robin: Holy trauma, Batman (Robin punches a fist into his open palm to really drive home the point that he’s mad). This is getting worse and worse by the day. Gee whiz, I guess PowerBomb Man is too much of a match for us.
Batman: Don’t give up hope, old chum. Sooner or later, PowerBomb Man will slip up. And when he does, that’s when we’ll swoop in and put an end to this venomous snake!
Suddenly, Robin spots something of interest!
Robin: Over there, next to the trash cans, it’s a letter! Holy eagle eye, Batman, maybe PowerBomb Man purposely left this behind for us to read?
Batman: Perhaps it’s a clue, chum. Maybe this letter is something of interest that could “stamp” out PowerBomb Man’s reign of terror.
Robin opens the letter whiles Batman is still talking
Batman: Or Maybe PowerBomb Man is talking a page out of our old friend The Riddler’s book. Leaving clues at the scene of the crime. The sooner we foil this dastardly devil’s plan the better! What does the note say, Boy Wonder?
Robin: ‘Martha sucks cock!’
There actually doing an animated series of 1960’s Batman, maybe I might apply for a job as a script writer.
Anyway, bottom line, I never power-bombed my ex. I’ve actually power-bombed anyone.
It’s just a pack of fibs.
…..or is it?