The Rif Files

Sports – Films – Reviews – Life Stories – Video Games It's all here on The Rif Files.

Twelve Christmas Movie Reviews in Twelve Days 2015: #6. Santa with Muscles (1996)

Santa_With_Muscles[1]

Directed by: John Murlowski
Starring: Hulk Hogan, Don Stark, Mila Kunis, Ed Begley Jr, Robin Curtis

This is a film with a bad reputation. A very negative reputation. It often appears in many top worst films of all time lists, and always appearing near the very top of those lists, too. I’ve always been intrigued about seeing this, mainly because of the involvement of Hulk Hogan in the leading role. Now Hogan’s run in Hollywood isn’t as glamorous as his wrestling career, but surely this can’t be that bad, right?

Hulk Hogan is Blake Thorn, a self-made millionaire who sells propecia (the irony, huh). On the run from the police, Blake hides inside of a shopping mall after he recklessly drives his car into the building. He changes into a Santa Claus costume and slides down a garbage chute to escape the cops. During the escape, Blake bangs his head to get amnesia. He is then mistaken by Lenny (Don Stark) as the mall Santa which leads Blake to believe that he actually is Father Christmas. Yeah, Jolly old Saint Nick with a fake beard! Meanwhile, an evil scientist (Ed Begley, Jr) tries to take over an orphanage in order to gain access to these magical crystals underneath it (I’m being 100% serious about this) and it’s up to the Hulkster (sorry…”Santa”) to rescue the children.

I honestly don’t know what to say. I’m speechless. Not speechless as in I was blown away by Hogan’s acting but speechless about how fucking awful this film is.

It’s the worst.

Let’s just recap. First off, Blake is a millionaire who is on the run from the cops for doing the illegals. Why couldn’t he just turn himself in? He’s a millionaire. Sure he can afford to pay the bail, right? I’m sure the bail will be a drop in the ocean for him financially. I’m struggling to accept that Hogan believes he’s Santa. If he really thinks he’s Santa, what does he make of the fake beard and wig? As if he couldn’t take one look in the mirror and realise that Santa is neither balding, tanned to high heaven nor a muscle junkie. And whose idea was it to include the magical crystals? That’s too silly even for this film!

It takes Hulk an hour to suss out that he may not be Santa Claus, which is all well and good, but he continues to wear the Santa costume! WHY? Heaven forbid he developed a kinky fetish for the suit. And also, his leather gloves make me feel uncomfortable.

There are some funny moments, like when Santa beats up two guys for stealing from a charity-box. Yes, Santamania is runnin’ wild in front of a crowd of awe-struck little’uns as he pummels the living shit out of two guys.

I was brought up believing that Santa constantly preaches about “being nice and you’ll be rewarded”. That’s not the case here. As Santa, Hulk Hogan teaches the kids to laugh at prison inmates. Be a star, brother.

You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll reach for the butterknife and gouge your eyeballs out after you finish watching this turd sandwich.

Rating: * ½ (Just kill me)

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: