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Movie Review: Fantastic Four (2015)

2015_Fantastic_Four_Poster[1]

Directed by: Josh Trank

Starring: Michael B. Jordan, Miles Teller, Kate Mara, Jamie Bell & Toby Kebbell

There’s been a lot of hate for this film way before it hit the cinemas; a lot of it has got to do with the odd casting choices. The pitchforks where out from the second the cast was announced. The one that sparked the most criticism was that of casting a black guy (Jordan) for the role of The Human Torch. I don’t mind that at all to be honest, but I do admit that Jamie Bell playing ‘Thing’ was the most surprising of them all. It’s Billy fucking Elliott! It’s also worth noting that Dr Doom was originally going to be a woman! So as you can tell the level of expectation for this isn’t great. The low level of expectation also stems from how bad the original F4 films were. Someone as talented as Ioan Gruffudd should never have been involved. Chris Evans (the original Johnny Storm) took a page out of Nightwing’s book and grew up to become Captain America, a role which he’s made his own. Surely this can’t be as bad as the originals, right?

Since childhood, Reed Richards (Miles) and Ben Grimm (Billy Elliott)have been working on a prototype teleporter since childhood. This attracts the attention of Professor Franklin Storm (Reg E Cathey) to offer Reed a scholarship at the Baxter Foundation, a government sponsored research institute. Reed is recruited to work alongside Storm’s children, Sue (Kate Mara) and Johnny Storm (Jordan), into developing a ‘Quantum Gate’ designed by Victor Von Doom (Toby Kebbell). After being transferred to an alternative universe, the four obtain unique physical powers. Ben, who is now made of rocks and processes immense strength, is forced to work for the US military along with Johnny, who is able to project fire. Sue has the ability to turn invisible works for the military against her will whiles Reed refuses to allow the government to exploit his new stretching ability. However, with the rise of Dr. Doom, the superhuman team must come together as one to battle against this new threat to Earth.

I’m struggling to find the right words here…..

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Okay, here we go, how about something along the lines of….

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What the fuck did I just watch?

Seriously, my eyes are offended by what they’ve just seen. It’s the big budget version of a Rhino taking a giant dump in your eyes. Actually saying that, that’s an insult to the Rhino, sorry Rhino.

I really don’t like the dark and gritty approach as it doesn’t suit F4 one little bit. Talk about a misguided job of attempting to recreate a classic comic book series by removing the elements which made it so great in the first place. It’s like the Super Mario Bros film where everything was all dark and adult in nature. It was unnecessary there and it’s unnecessary here too. Why did they wait until half way through the film for the team to gain their powers? I blame the pacing for that. It’s was off from the word go and as a result, the roles of the main characters were thrown off completely. There’s a scene where Dr Doom, Mr Fantastic and Human Torch go on the piss (just imagine that for a second), get drunk and decide to “have a go” on the Quantum gate. What a bunch of divvies. So you’re telling me that the Fantastic Four (& Dr Doom) got their powers from a drunken episode? Would someone please think of the children!

I feel as though the cast did a good job despite all the criticisms leading up to filming, but Miles Teller as Reed Richards was the only weak link of the bunch (where are his grey streaks? That’s his trademark look. First Superman loses his red undies and now this). Miles Teller has no screen presence whatsoever. Jamie Bell can’t do an American accent for shit. There are some scenes where he wanders off into his north east English accent and before you know it it’s all “Why aye man, I’m gannin’ doon the ballet toneet like, pet”. The other big critique I have is with Dr Doom. He comes across as a cocky little smart arse which isn’t the Dr Doom way. I HATE the way he looks. He looks like Robocop’s left testicle. It was as if he was thrown into the film just for the sake of having a villain. He was as threatening as Hornswoggle on stilts. I really hate talking negative about a villain which I like but this film brought out the worst in me (and Dr Doom).

The final 10 minutes is the cherry on top of the diarrhoea shake. It’s the train wreck of all train wrecks. I’ve never cringed so much during any final battle scene in any movie. Remember that scene in Batman & Robin at the start where everyone is prancing around on ice? That gets you more pumped up then this! That moment when Thing says, “It’s clobbering time”, who the hell does he think he is? CM Punk? (Calm down dear, it’s only a joke) Also, why is Thing not wearing any shorts? The last thing I want to see is his little pebbles swinging back and forth as they do battle!

Fans of Fantastic Four would defend it by saying they’ve freshen things up here by reimagining the characters and made them unique from their comic book counterparts. That’s true, but then again every time I take a shit it’s different from the last. One chocolate log may have nuts it whiles the other may have peas mixed in.

To illustrade how much I hated this film; I didn’t even bother staying behind to see if there was a post-credit scene. That shows how much I detested this steaming turd sandwich with cheese.

For those who’ve read my Fifty Shades of Grey movie review (and I thank you all for reading that) will know how much I hated that film and how critical I was of it. From everything I’ve seen here I can announce that we now have a new winner for the worst film of the year.

Perhaps it’s now time for 20th Century Fox to sell the rights back to Marvel.

Rating: * (Just kill me please)

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This entry was posted on August 7, 2015 by in Movie Reviews and tagged , , , , , , , , , , .
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