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Rif’s Random reviews: Game of Thrones

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A lot of people have been telling me that I should watch Game of Thrones. I mean, I get a ton of requests for it. There’s this guy I work with in his sixties that even watches it. That surprised me as I had him marked down as a Eastenders kind of guy. He even watches Breaking Bad! Almost everyone I know that’s watched the show have shared the same sentiment about it, it’s one of the most critically acclaimed television series ever made.

Why haven’t I watched it? I think I’ve just been off put by the medieval theme. I’m not really the one for dungeons and dragons or wizards with magic potions. I’ve never been into that sort of thing. I still haven’t seen Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings! Yeah, I’m so out of touch!

The more I heard about it the more I wanted to watch it just to see what the fuss is all about. I caved in. I decided to lend season one off someone. Bear in mind that this review is of episode one only as I wanted to get a raw reaction to the show from the first episode. I’ve yet to watch the rest of the series, but I will do in due course. I need to watch the entire season one by Tuesday because Batman Arkham Knight is out (and yes I will be reviewing that also).

From what I can gather, Game of Thrones, based on the Song of Ice and Fire novels written by George R.R. Martin,  is set around many noble families fighting for control of the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros, and the opportunity to sit atop of that famous Iron Throne. Peter Dinklage (Tyrion Lannister, more on him later) describes GoT like this: Stabby Stabby, Sexy Sexy, Stabby Stabby, Sexy Sexy. If episode one is anything to go by I agree with him!

Game of Thrones – Episode One – Season One – Winter is Coming

Wow! This is pretty gripping. You get hooked from the opening scene and it’s all uphill from there. The opening scene sees guys leaving the gate to explore some crazy goings on deep down in an area known as the Haunted Forest. Is the place really haunted, or is it just a crazy gimmick? Either way, I’d stay away just to be on the save side. The name Haunted Forest sounds like a name given to a level from a Sonic the Hedgehog video game. It must be called Haunted Forest for a reason, doubt the local call it that for a daft laugh.

Next thing we know there’s a ton of dead bodies everywhere. Decapitated heads the lot! There’s even a girl nailed to the tree for added effect. Haunted Forest by name and nature I suppose.

The three lads decided that they should split up for clues Scooby Doo style, that right there was a grave error. Experience has told me that whenever a team splits up someone ends up six feet under. In this case, two of the three were left pushing up daisies. Christ alive that girl was a creepy fucker like wasn’t she? She must be from Hendon.

How’s that for an opening scene?

It sets up the mood for the rest of the episode.

The cast appeals to me most. You’ve got Charles Dance, Sean Bean, Mark Addy, Peter Dinklage and Emilia Clarke. That’s talent right there! Now I mentioned Sean Bean, someone who I rate highly, but is also someone who has been seriously type casted. Whenever I think of Sean I think of his roles as the hard man. He also has a reputation of speaking in his broad, gruff South Yorkshire accent. I’m assuming that’s his normal accent because every television show or film I’ve seen him in he doesn’t put on a different accent. Could this be the turning point? I waited in anticipation, on the edge of my seat.  I waited for the Sheffield tough guy to speak. He did……he spoke…..and he did so in his broad, gruff South Yorkshire accent. By Heck!

Oh aye, his son is shit at archery!

Speaking about Sean Bean, is he the same guy from those “one does not simply” memes? Answers in the comments below.

This is a brutal show. A guy got decapitated in the early moments and now Sean Bean is forcing his son to watch someone get executed. How’s that for traumatising your youngest son? If my Dad forced me to watch someone get his head cut off I can only imagine that someone would report him to child services, and rightfully so.  Mind you, the young lad didn’t flinch at the sight of someone getting beheaded, I’d most likely faint from shock. He also tried to kill some wolf cubs the bastard. He won’t be able to get away with that in this day and age. The RSPCA would be on his arse so quick he won’t be able to attempt another accent (see what I did there kids?). It’s no fun being the son of Bean. Poor lad gets pushed out of a window at the end. If only he was good at archery….

Before his beheading, Will (had to google his name) tells Sean that the Walkers killed his mates. Mr Bean (fun fact: Sean Bean actual gets fan mail intended for Rowan Atkinson a/k/a Mr Bean) dismisses the claims thinking that Will is telling the biggest porkies ever. Man, that’s going to bite him on the arse later on down the line….I guess.

As you can tell, Game of Thrones isn’t Sesame Street.

Let’s talk about some other characters. Mark Addy plays the role of King Robert Baratheon. His son, Joffrey Baratheon, was in Batman Begins. He looks exactly the same as he did in that film too! Back to Addy, he started in one of my favourite films of all time, The Full Monty. If you haven’t seen it, check it out. It’s a film that I will be reviewing somewhere down the line. Anyway, upon meeting Stark he says, “you got fat”. Pot, Kettle, Black anyone? Starkky pulls a face as if to say ‘you serious, bro?’ After a tense faceoff, they laugh like the old friends that they are. I bet that have a proper Bromance going on. Mark Addy is born and bred in York, here, his North Yorkshire accent is toned down (unlike in the film Jack Frost). Take note, Sean Bean. Have you seen the Queen? Not Lizzy but Cersei! She must be a right gold digger; Addy is punching well and truly above his weight.  That must have been an arranged marriage though. It’s good to be king I reckon.

There’s a pull out booklet in the DVD where you can find out everyone’s family tree, on King Rob’s family tree, his father in law is Charles Dance and his brother in law is Peter Dinklage. Talk about the silver spoon and all that. He has well and truly come up trumps in that respect. Also this John Arryn guy taught him to “crush skulls and fuck girls”. Sounds like a lovely fella. As for his Queen, she’s got more front than Southend. There’s a scene at the party where she’s talking to Stark’s ginger daughter and she flat out asks her “have you bled yet?” Of all the things you could ask a guest at a party that’s something you think is appropriate? Ask her if she’s having a good time or if the food is nice but not that! I know you’re the Queen and everything but c’mon love, play the game!

The one thing I didn’t like about GoT is Viseys. Him and Daenerys are brother and sister right. Yet, she allows him, her brother, to grope her naked breasts. Ha’way flower, don’t let him get all Gary Glitter over you. That’s an episode of Jerry Springer in the making! Put him in his place. Her future hubby, Khal Drogo, is letting his own brother in law get kicks from his sister. I must admit she has a nice ass and a good rack to boot! Daenerys hops into the bath but is warned that it’s too hot. That doesn’t faze her. If that was me, I’d be running the cold water for a good 10 to 20 minutes and pouring in the entire bottle of Mr Matey.

Khal Drogo is played by Jason Momoa. Jason Momoa is playing the role of Aquaman in the upcoming Batman v Superman film. I hate Aquaman. Aquaman sucks. Fuck you, Aquaman.

Viseys motives is to reclaim his throne, and to do that he’s forcing his sister to marry Drogo, inherit his army and win back his throne. He goes as far to say that he’d allow “all 40,000 men and their horses” to fuck Daenerys. What a creepy little fucker he truly is. He actually wants his sister to get shagged off a horse!  It be a sight for sore eyes that’s for sure. I still remember when I went camping a few years ago and a sheep had the hots for my mate. Man, that shit was hilarious. Did we stop the sheep? After we finished filming it we did.

Daenerys and Drogo eventually do get married. Not exactly a white wedding but it’s a wedding nonetheless. Women get shagged, the ‘loving’ couple receive some shitty gifts (Dragon eggs!!!) and people end up having a punch up. Awwww just like a real wedding!  Emilia Clarke has this look on her face which reads “I’ll just divorce him and take half of everything that he owns”. If she thinks that getting married to Drogo is bad then she should do a shift for Dotcom.

Drogo ends up giving it to her doggy style on the beach. Not a hotel room, but an open to the public beach! Surely that can’t be the honeymoon, right? Speaking about anal sex, there seems to be a lot of that going on here. I guess the dangers of sexual transmitted diseases were just a myth in the fantasy world of Westeros.

Now, let’s talk about Peter Dinklage, otherwise known as Tyrion Lannister. This guy is a legend. Seriously he made the episode for me, and no doubt he’ll make the entire show for me also. The first time you see him he’s having a pint, a blowjob and it all ends up with him having a massive gangbang with the entire Ho Train. He must have some stamina for a midget! I’ve no idea where the series goes from here but please make Tyrion the king. He has the greatest line of the entire episode/life, “All dwarves are bastards in their father’s eyes”. What an awesome quote. Engrave that on his tombstone now! Well, wait until he’s dead then do it.

Final Thoughts

From this one episode I’m largely impressed. It’s easy to see why Game of Thrones is so popular. The characters have depth, the story is gripping and it’s all visual pleasing to the eye. In his episode four people were killed. Apparently that’s a running gig in the show. First you don’t like a character, then they start making you care and eventually develop a soft spot for this character and then, they kill them.

This is just one episode, and already I can’t wait to see how the story and characters develop. I’m itching for more. Do I like the show? It grabbed my attention and no other show has done that since Breaking Bad. So far so good. I like it, perhaps my opinion will improve as I progress in the series.

All in all, Game of Thrones is awesome!!

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One comment on “Rif’s Random reviews: Game of Thrones

  1. bookshelfbattle
    June 20, 2015

    Great review from a new watcher’s perspective. Game of Thrones isn’t typical fantasy swords and sorcerer nonsense. There’s usually just a small niche of people who are interested in that. GOT’s success has come from grabbing people who aren’t into fantasy and pulling them in.

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This entry was posted on June 20, 2015 by in RIF's Random Reviews and tagged , , , , , , , .
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