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I get a lot of really nice e-mails all the time, but the most I had at once was when I posted a blog called “is he mental” where I talked about various mental health issues I have. It was something that was so personal to me and I really wasn’t sure if any of you guys would have been interested or even ready for me to share something like that considering the type of subjects I’m known for writing about.
I wrote it, shared it on my social media profiles and left it at that.
In the space of half an hour, ‘is he mental’ racked up 431 views, 8 shares and 5 likes. The response was astronomical. I couldn’t believe it! Hopped on over to my Hotmail account and it was rammed with e-mails responding to the blog. Just to give you an idea how many e-mails they were I posted the blog on April 5th, and I’m still responding to e-mails to this day. I will respond to them all. You’ve taken the time to send me an e-mail, and it’s only right for me to respond. If you’re reading this and haven’t received an e-mail from me, rest assured I will get in touch in due course.
It’s not just strangers who’ve been telling me about their experiences with mental illness, but people that I’ve worked with, went to school with, or even grew up with. Some days I feel as though I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, but others have it a lot worse than me and I could just feel that vibe just by reading these e-mails.
I’ve been trying to pinpoint where my problems really began and that happened in March 2004 on a night out down Sunderland. I got talking to a friend of mine, John Chipp. John and I used to attend Cub Scouts and the Boy Scouts when we were young, but rarely saw each other since those days. It was a nice catch up and we parted ways agreeing that we should catch up again sometime. That was the last time I ever saw him. John was murdered later that night. He was thrown off the Queen Alexandra Bridge. I took the news pretty hard. I just used to stay in the flat and drink a lot (wouldn’t say I was an alcoholic but it was getting close to that stage and I’ve been alcohol free since December 2012). I didn’t even attend his funeral, something that I deeply regret. It’s been eleven years since John passed away, I often think about him and his family all the time. It’s hard to imagine what the parents go through in situations like that. Nothing is ever going to bring him back but I can take in solace that he was loved by many and meant so much to so many people.
In is he mental I alluded to possibly having depression or bi-polar. I really should get that checked out rather than using the internet as a guide. I feel that my job is also responsible too. This past week I’ve had the week off and it’s the happiest I’ve been for a long time, but inside, I’m dreading going back in on Monday. You know that song, “tears of a clown”? That’s me. Imagine waking up every morning with a sense of dread every single day. That’s how I feel. It’s a stress driven and thankless job.
I mentioned in is he mental that I took the Goldberg test (designed to work out if you have depression) which said that I had suicidal thoughts. Do I have those sort of thoughts, more importantly, have I actually attempted it? I’m not going to confirm nor deny that, I’m just going to let you make your own conclusions on that.
In a way I’m glad that I’ve shared all this with you guys. Not because of all the views and feedback I’ve received, but it’s got a monkey off my back and helped lay a few demons to rest. I guess I should do this more often.
I just want you thank you guys for all the positive feedback I’ve ever received in all the blogs that I’ve wrote. You’ve taken the time to comment on something that I wrote and that’s really humbling. I’m not trying to be the poster boy for mental health but if you feel as though you have any sort of problems talk to someone. It’s done okay for me so far and it will work for you, believe me.