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Movie Review: Fifty Shades of Grey (2015)

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Starring: Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dorian and Rita Ora

Directed by: Sam Taylor-Johnson

Right, I’m going to be straight with you guys. This isn’t the type of movie I would normally watch. I’m doing it because my friends egged me on and I tend to listen to my audience. We’ve all heard of the books, right? They have a reputation and it’s caused much controversy. In my hometown of Sunderland, there was actually a book burning ceremony held by a domestic violence charity. I haven’t read any of the books but I’ve heard enough to make me blush! This has got to be the most awkward and uncomfortable feeling I’ve ever had going to the cinema. A friend decided to tag himself along because he reckons he’s going to see a porno.   And to add more salt into the wound, we were the only two guys there. As soon as we walked in all eyes were on us! Normally I wouldn’t mind having the ladies checking me out but this wasn’t the time or the place! You know that phrase “turtle’s head touching cloth”? Well it wasn’t just the turtle’s head touching cloth; it was the fucking turtle’s shell taking resident in my Calvin Kleins! I just wanted to turn around and head for the hills or watch the latest episode of Total Divas but my mate wouldn’t allow it. He owes me one that kid!

So what’s this fifty shades all about? A college senior Anastasia Steele (Johnson) steps in for her ill roommate to interview the distinguished businessman Christian Grey (Jamie Dorian) of Grey Enterprises Holdings for their campus newsletter. Christian has an ego the size of Africa and he knows it. Christian, who also has a ton of experience in the BDSM Dom/Sub lifestyle (he would love it in Soho), finds himself attracted to Ana and wants her to be his next submissive but unlucky for Mr Grey, Ana is put off by the idea of BDSM and declines his offer which only arouses and frustrates him in a way he is not used to.  For all the success he has encountered in the field of business, Christian Grey is a man tormented by the demons of his past and consumed by the need to control. When the couple embarks on a daring, passionately physical affair, Ana discovers Christian Grey’s secrets and explores her own dark desires.

HUH???

What the fuck was this shite?

Seriously is this what everyone’s going potty over? Is this the film that’s going to cause a stampede to B&Q for rope and duct tape? That reminds me, I need some plywood so I can repair my garden shed, but the staff will only think I’ll be making a fucking sex dungeon or something. I’ll wait till the stigma wears off.  I could have been spending my day off from work more productively by watching reruns of Eldorado or writing a 500,000 word essay on why Nicki Minaj is the greatest singer of this generation.  Lads, if you go in thinking that you’re going to see a big budget version of Deep-Throat or Shaving Ryan’s Privates then I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news (Barrett). Instead of One Night in Chyna, it’s Giant Gonzales vs. The Great Khali vs. Giant Baba vs. Big Daddy in a 125 minute fatal four way match ironman match. Oh the torture! I admit, the acting was good but that’s where it ends in this Vince Russo written caper! Even Russo would say that this shit don’t make sense. It was also at the same time they were screening Peppa Pig and the Golden Boots, if only I could turn back time huh?

Now let’s talk about the sex scenes. That’s the only reason why most of you guys are here right? They don’t come along up around 45 minutes into the film. Considering I was in a room full of women watching a full blown BDSM sex scene, I was turning fifty shades of blushing pink from embarrassment.  My friend wasn’t impressed. As he bluntly put it, “I’d rather wank over the squeal like a pig scene from Deliverance”! Quote of the year right there people.

It’s bad, it’s poor, it’s crap, it’s shit, it’s terrible, it’s substandard, it’s inferior, it’s second rate, it’s second class, it’s inadequate, it’s deficient, it’s imperfect, it’s defective, it’s faulty, it’s shoddy, it’s negligent, it’s disgraceful, it’s awful, it’s appalling, it’s dreadful, it’s atrocious, it’s abysmal, it’s crummy, it’s rotten, it’s pathetic, it’s useless, it’s woeful, it’s lousy, it’s diabolical, it’s unacceptable, it’s crude, it’s duff, it’s rubbish, it’s mind-numbing, it’s soul destroying, it’s insulting to eyes, it’s insulting to ears, it’s worse than Transformers 4, it’s worse than Spiceworld the movie, it’s worse than Spiderman 3,it’s worse than Amazing Spiderman 2, it’s worse than Last Action Hero, it’s worse than Junior, it’s worse than Mr Nanny, it’s worse than The Chaperone, it’s worse than Knucklehead, it’s worse than the Marine, it’s Fifty Shades of Grey!

Who would have thought that a movie about sex would be so boring?

Rating: * (Just kill me now)

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